How to get in an accident this winter

 Most people who grew up in Michigan have a pretty fair idea of how to drive in the snow.

Not all people with Michigan license plates grew up here, though. So here’s a quick primer on how to get in an accident in foul weather, which we’re in for until next March.

__ As odd as it seems, few cars other than my own, and perhaps your own, came equipped with turn signals. Feel free to drift out of your lane, especially when it’s snowing or raining, into the next lane at any old time. The adventurous will want to skip the lane next to them because it’s too easy a target and go for the far lane. Damn them all.

__ Fly in formation. See how close you can get to the car ahead of you, particularly when driving on ice. The easiest way to do this is to join a clot of cars on the freeway going upward of 70mph and stay with them, regardless of weather conditions.

·       __  Be the freeway school marm.  Make it your business to slow everyone down by needlessly tapping your brakes every 20 seconds so people behind you will follow suit and brake because they don’t know if you’re really braking or just being a jerk. This works well in the fast lane. After a very short while those behind you will catch on and fly by you in the center lane. Be smug in the knowledge that you know what’s best for them.

·         __ When the light turns green, don’t move. Be paralyzed with fear that you might spinout. Driving in inclement weather is not for sissies. Stand your ground. Let them honk and salute. And just as the light is going from amber to red, close your eyes, stand on the gas and lurch into traffic.

·       __ Drive in a blizzard with your bright lights on. Visibility is only a few feet anyway – make it even harder to see by tossing up a brilliant wall of white light. Ignore the fact that your car probably has yellow fog lamps. Why broadcast your position? You never know who may be looking for you, or what they might do if they find you. Get anxious and sick with worry. Then immediately change lanes (see above).

·         __ Whatever you do, obey the speed limit. When the sign says “70mph,” realize that a lot of thought and research went into that posting. Take off your rings (otherwise it will hurt when you get a death grip on the wheel) and step on it.