How to get in an accident this winter

 Most people who grew up in Michigan have a pretty fair idea of how to drive in the snow.

Not all people with Michigan license plates grew up here, though. So here’s a quick primer on how to get in an accident in foul weather, which we’re in for until next March.

__ As odd as it seems, few cars other than my own, and perhaps your own, came equipped with turn signals. Feel free to drift out of your lane, especially when it’s snowing or raining, into the next lane at any old time. The adventurous will want to skip the lane next to them because it’s too easy a target and go for the far lane. Damn them all.

__ Fly in formation. See how close you can get to the car ahead of you, particularly when driving on ice. The easiest way to do this is to join a clot of cars on the freeway going upward of 70mph and stay with them, regardless of weather conditions.

·       __  Be the freeway school marm.  Make it your business to slow everyone down by needlessly tapping your brakes every 20 seconds so people behind you will follow suit and brake because they don’t know if you’re really braking or just being a jerk. This works well in the fast lane. After a very short while those behind you will catch on and fly by you in the center lane. Be smug in the knowledge that you know what’s best for them.

·         __ When the light turns green, don’t move. Be paralyzed with fear that you might spinout. Driving in inclement weather is not for sissies. Stand your ground. Let them honk and salute. And just as the light is going from amber to red, close your eyes, stand on the gas and lurch into traffic.

·       __ Drive in a blizzard with your bright lights on. Visibility is only a few feet anyway – make it even harder to see by tossing up a brilliant wall of white light. Ignore the fact that your car probably has yellow fog lamps. Why broadcast your position? You never know who may be looking for you, or what they might do if they find you. Get anxious and sick with worry. Then immediately change lanes (see above).

·         __ Whatever you do, obey the speed limit. When the sign says “70mph,” realize that a lot of thought and research went into that posting. Take off your rings (otherwise it will hurt when you get a death grip on the wheel) and step on it.

Two-tracking through Oakland County

A couple truisms I thought about while driving in the snow last winter.

To get to work, I drive in both Oakland and Wayne counties. The street I live on is considered a main thoroughfare to get to Beaumont Hospital in Royal Oak, so it’s usually plowed early and kept clean throughout the day.

But the rest of the streets in Oakland County, such as expressways and mile roads, must not be on the same list.

For example, to get to my job, I head south on the Southfield freeway. Oakland is the wealthiest county in Michigan, so I had expected the roads to be cleared early and constantly.

Not true.

The roads were barely touched after major snowfalls by the time rush hour hit. In my mind, Oakland County should have had plows out at 4 a.m. so that by 7 a.m., the roads would be safe to travel.

I’m not expecting something impossible.

As anyone who travels the Southfield south from Oakland to Wayne knows, 8 Mile is the border between the two counties. And once I hit 8 Mile, my tires hit concrete. The Wayne County crews had already been out and from 8 Mile south, the freeway was clear.

This was a constant last winter – Oakland did a pretty poor job of cleaning its main roads while Wayne did an excellent job of cleaning theirs. How come poor, downtrodden Wayne can get the job done while Oakland County can’t?

And another thing.

According to a report I heard on National Public Radio, the cost of road salt has more than doubled. The gist of the story was: don’t expect too much in the way of help out there.

My wife’s family lives in northern Michigan. They get twice as much snow as we do and they do not salt the roads up there. Instead, they do one of two things: put sand down or move the snow.

It would be a shame if this came as news to Oakland County’s leadership. But somehow, there are cities and townships in northern Michigan that have a tenth of the tax base of Oakland County, if that, and their roads are clear even in the worst conditions.

How can that be?

Next week: You’ve lived in Michigan all your life. When are you going to learn to drive in the snow?

A soldier who made it

Not all veterans are homeless, have post traumatic stress disorder or are in need of the services offered by the Veteran’s Administration.

Fortunately.

I’m thinking of a soldier who fought in the Persian Gulf War. His job in the Gulf was to find land mines for removal by other specialists.

The U.S. Army gave him a high-tech tool for finding the mines. It was a telescoping, 8-foot-long pole. Correct use of this tool meant taking it, snapping it open until it extended to its full length, and then probing the sand at a 45-degree angle for mines.

On finding a mine, he was supposed to draw a small icon on a map. He ran out of military approved icons, and started to use symbols from a game that was popular at the time, Dungeons and Dragons. His commanding officer thought he was a genius.

There are other stories he shared with me.

Like the time he was lying down on the cot in his tent, which was situated fairly close to the division’s ammo dump. I don’t remember how the dump blew up; I do remember him telling me that a hubcap tore a hole in the side of the tent and just missed him as it exited his side of the tent about 2 inches above his nose.

I also remember that another soldier snapped a picture of him reading by the light of a burning oil well.

The thing I remember best was getting a letter from him saying he was safe, well, and on his way home. He said it would be a few days before he was stateside, so I didn't know exactly when he would be home.

Then I pulled up in our driveway several days later. It was a nice summer day, lots of sun, and a soldier in full dress was sitting at my picnic table drinking a beer he had fished out of his duffle bag.

I was very glad to see my son again.

Brian has since gone on to become the director of the IT department for the county in which he lives, in California. After doing that job for several years he wanted a change, so for the past 2 years he’s been studying to be a paramedic.

He called last night and we talked for almost an hour. He has three more shifts to clear on his internship, some busy work to take care of, and then he’ll be a full-fledged paramedic. Brian has chosen to be the guy flying around on air ambulances.

It occurred to that one doesn't wish a veteran a “happy” Veteran’s Day, but I closed our conversation by telling him I was proud of his service and of him.

He thanked me and rung off.