How to get in an accident this winter

 Most people who grew up in Michigan have a pretty fair idea of how to drive in the snow.

Not all people with Michigan license plates grew up here, though. So here’s a quick primer on how to get in an accident in foul weather, which we’re in for until next March.

__ As odd as it seems, few cars other than my own, and perhaps your own, came equipped with turn signals. Feel free to drift out of your lane, especially when it’s snowing or raining, into the next lane at any old time. The adventurous will want to skip the lane next to them because it’s too easy a target and go for the far lane. Damn them all.

__ Fly in formation. See how close you can get to the car ahead of you, particularly when driving on ice. The easiest way to do this is to join a clot of cars on the freeway going upward of 70mph and stay with them, regardless of weather conditions.

·       __  Be the freeway school marm.  Make it your business to slow everyone down by needlessly tapping your brakes every 20 seconds so people behind you will follow suit and brake because they don’t know if you’re really braking or just being a jerk. This works well in the fast lane. After a very short while those behind you will catch on and fly by you in the center lane. Be smug in the knowledge that you know what’s best for them.

·         __ When the light turns green, don’t move. Be paralyzed with fear that you might spinout. Driving in inclement weather is not for sissies. Stand your ground. Let them honk and salute. And just as the light is going from amber to red, close your eyes, stand on the gas and lurch into traffic.

·       __ Drive in a blizzard with your bright lights on. Visibility is only a few feet anyway – make it even harder to see by tossing up a brilliant wall of white light. Ignore the fact that your car probably has yellow fog lamps. Why broadcast your position? You never know who may be looking for you, or what they might do if they find you. Get anxious and sick with worry. Then immediately change lanes (see above).

·         __ Whatever you do, obey the speed limit. When the sign says “70mph,” realize that a lot of thought and research went into that posting. Take off your rings (otherwise it will hurt when you get a death grip on the wheel) and step on it.

Two-tracking through Oakland County

A couple truisms I thought about while driving in the snow last winter.

To get to work, I drive in both Oakland and Wayne counties. The street I live on is considered a main thoroughfare to get to Beaumont Hospital in Royal Oak, so it’s usually plowed early and kept clean throughout the day.

But the rest of the streets in Oakland County, such as expressways and mile roads, must not be on the same list.

For example, to get to my job, I head south on the Southfield freeway. Oakland is the wealthiest county in Michigan, so I had expected the roads to be cleared early and constantly.

Not true.

The roads were barely touched after major snowfalls by the time rush hour hit. In my mind, Oakland County should have had plows out at 4 a.m. so that by 7 a.m., the roads would be safe to travel.

I’m not expecting something impossible.

As anyone who travels the Southfield south from Oakland to Wayne knows, 8 Mile is the border between the two counties. And once I hit 8 Mile, my tires hit concrete. The Wayne County crews had already been out and from 8 Mile south, the freeway was clear.

This was a constant last winter – Oakland did a pretty poor job of cleaning its main roads while Wayne did an excellent job of cleaning theirs. How come poor, downtrodden Wayne can get the job done while Oakland County can’t?

And another thing.

According to a report I heard on National Public Radio, the cost of road salt has more than doubled. The gist of the story was: don’t expect too much in the way of help out there.

My wife’s family lives in northern Michigan. They get twice as much snow as we do and they do not salt the roads up there. Instead, they do one of two things: put sand down or move the snow.

It would be a shame if this came as news to Oakland County’s leadership. But somehow, there are cities and townships in northern Michigan that have a tenth of the tax base of Oakland County, if that, and their roads are clear even in the worst conditions.

How can that be?

Next week: You’ve lived in Michigan all your life. When are you going to learn to drive in the snow?

A soldier who made it

Not all veterans are homeless, have post traumatic stress disorder or are in need of the services offered by the Veteran’s Administration.

Fortunately.

I’m thinking of a soldier who fought in the Persian Gulf War. His job in the Gulf was to find land mines for removal by other specialists.

The U.S. Army gave him a high-tech tool for finding the mines. It was a telescoping, 8-foot-long pole. Correct use of this tool meant taking it, snapping it open until it extended to its full length, and then probing the sand at a 45-degree angle for mines.

On finding a mine, he was supposed to draw a small icon on a map. He ran out of military approved icons, and started to use symbols from a game that was popular at the time, Dungeons and Dragons. His commanding officer thought he was a genius.

There are other stories he shared with me.

Like the time he was lying down on the cot in his tent, which was situated fairly close to the division’s ammo dump. I don’t remember how the dump blew up; I do remember him telling me that a hubcap tore a hole in the side of the tent and just missed him as it exited his side of the tent about 2 inches above his nose.

I also remember that another soldier snapped a picture of him reading by the light of a burning oil well.

The thing I remember best was getting a letter from him saying he was safe, well, and on his way home. He said it would be a few days before he was stateside, so I didn't know exactly when he would be home.

Then I pulled up in our driveway several days later. It was a nice summer day, lots of sun, and a soldier in full dress was sitting at my picnic table drinking a beer he had fished out of his duffle bag.

I was very glad to see my son again.

Brian has since gone on to become the director of the IT department for the county in which he lives, in California. After doing that job for several years he wanted a change, so for the past 2 years he’s been studying to be a paramedic.

He called last night and we talked for almost an hour. He has three more shifts to clear on his internship, some busy work to take care of, and then he’ll be a full-fledged paramedic. Brian has chosen to be the guy flying around on air ambulances.

It occurred to that one doesn't wish a veteran a “happy” Veteran’s Day, but I closed our conversation by telling him I was proud of his service and of him.

He thanked me and rung off. 

Buyer’s remorse

In its own words, “with keen reservations,” The Detroit Free Press editorial board on Sunday published an endorsement thick with excuses but ultimately, I think, coming out for Gov. Rick Snyder.

This endorsement waffles more than any endorsement I’ve read or written.

The Free Press, simply put, said Snyder is more likely to get the job done than his competitor, Democrat Mark Schauer. But it pulls punches, whines and misses the point of an endorsement.

I was fortunate to have good editors at most of the newspapers I worked for. While there was room for discussion during candidate season, I don’t remember anyone taking a vote, as The Detroit Free Press said it did, to decide on Snyder.

My editors, individually and collectively, said if you’re going to endorse someone, then get behind them and do so. Make your pick and support that pick with the many good reasons why you've chosen your candidate.

Newspapers, at least when I worked at them, understood their community value. They were there to lead, not half-endorse someone with a snivel and an implied, “I’m sorry we have to do this.”

There was never any democracy in any newsroom I ever worked in. During candidate season, candidates for office were invited in for interviews. Very often the editorial board sat in on interviews.

After the interviews, there was always lively discussion from members of the editorial board. But they knew no vote would be taken. The discussion was an attempt to persuade the editor, who wrote the endorsement, to go with one candidate or another. It was understood that ultimately, this was the editor’s call.

That was because editorials were not supposed to reflect a house divided. Editorials were supposed to clearly lead, which The Detroit Free Press seems afraid to do.

The other clear rule I learned about endorsements is that once a decision has been made, the editor writes the editorial without sniping at the candidate not selected. The Free Press doesn’t snipe at Schauer – far from it. It lauds him for several reasons, but then seems to grudgingly get around to the fact that they chose the other guy.

At least The Detroit News came out with a clear, uncluttered, unremorseful endorsement for Snyder.

You should demand more of your opinion makers. They, in the case of The Free Press, need readers. You, as a member of the community, should tell The Free Press to go about the business of doing its job well and not delivering to your doorstep an almost split-decision on the governor’s race.

That’s not leading.

Ignorance and Ebola

“We have met the enemy and he is us.” – Pogo

I work for a hospital system in southeastern Michigan. It’s a good system made up of four hospitals.

Last week, one of our hospitals close to Detroit Metropolitan Airport held an Ebola drill. That particular hospital is the go-to facility for medical problems that happen at the airport.

Metro Airport is one of 12 airports in the U.S. that accept direct international flights, so it is possible that a flight carrying someone with Ebola might land there.

Our drill was highly successful. Apparently we were one of few hospitals around the country holding such a drill. One wonders why.

Anyway, I think the key to our drill’s success was the diligence of the people participating in the drill. Everyone took it very seriously, as they should have. We got rave reviews from the local newspapers and television stations.

While there does appear to be a procedure to help those infected with Ebola stay alive, there is no cure for stupid.

The Texas hospital let its infectious disease staff wander freely after tending to the first Ebola victim to die in the United States. As you know, one Texas nurse was confined almost immediately because she showed symptoms of Ebola.

But a second Texas nurse, who had a low-grade fever, asked her hospital and the CDC if she could fly to Cleveland to pick out a wedding dress. They said sure. The next day, while shopping for her dress, she realized she had a high fever. Since then, she too has been put in isolation.

A third member of the same infectious disease team who was in charge of the Ebola patient’s bodily fluids was found three days later on a Carnival cruise ship off Belize. That person was immediately isolated on board.

What is wrong with them?

Someone who works at my hospital, a wonderful and optimistic person, posted on Facebook that we’re the United States – we’ll handle this.

My niece posted on Facebook and quoted a comedian who said that within 24 hours of the Ebola patient’s dying, people were out buying masks and supplies – but they still don’t take AIDS seriously even though it was officially discovered in the early ‘80s.

It isn’t Ebola that’s going to get us. Apparently, our own lack of common sense will be our undoing.

Lopsided debate makes me study write-in candidates

I have a friend who is my political polar opposite.

He hasn’t ever voted for a Democrat; likewise, I’ve never voted for a Republican. And while I’m not about to start now, I do have to give credit where it’s due. In last night’s debate between Governor Rick Snyder and Mark Schauer, Snyder mauled him without even trying.

Most of the coverage in today’s media says there was no technical knockout, or TKO. I disagree.

Without rerunning last night’s debate, two things became clear at about the 15-minute mark.

• The governor was in firm command of the facts, and therefore the debate. 
• His contender was fine, so long as he stayed within the bounds of his well-rehearsed answers. When a question came up he hadn’t rehearsed, though, Schauer simply fell apart.

This leaves me little choice for the election.

My father was born and raised in Vienna, Austria. When Hitler took Vienna, my dad managed to get out, come here, join the American army and go back to fight.

Because of that, my dad always went to vote – to exercise his right as an American. He taught me never to squander a vote, and to always vote in every election, no matter what.

Even my father, though, had he been sitting next to me last night, would have turned to me and said, “Is this the best man the Democrats could find to run?”

So I feel compelled to vote.

As much sense as Snyder made, I just can’t vote for him. His is the party of obstructionists and fear-mongers. Members of Snyder’s own party call him too liberal. I wish Snyder had run as a Democrat, because he sure acts like one.

Voting for Schauer is out of the question, too. He struck me as an ignorant man without leadership capabilities. Who did him the disservice of pushing him into the arena, anyway?

I’ll have to figure something out in the next 21 days; looks like it’s time to do a little research. There’s still Mary Buzuma from the Libertarian Party; Paul Homeniuk, Green Party; Mark McFarlin, U.S. Taxpayers Party; and Robin Sanders, Independent Party.

One of them might make a fine write-in candidate.

Rescuing Stella

It started about four months ago. Like everyone else, we work during the day. We were thinking Bella, our border collie-ish rescue dog, might like a friend to keep her company during the day.

We started watching the animal shelter websites. Yesterday at one of the shelters, my wife found Buster, a blind pug who needed a caring home. She called and found out there was a waiting list to adopt Buster, which was good. Rather too many than not enough.

Suzy had also come across an animal adoption group that was going to be adopting out dogs yesterday. We were already primed, so we went.

Saturday, as you’ll recall, was blustery and cold with intermittent rain. Nasty. But the rescue group, Almost Home, was holding two adoption events in the afternoon.

We went with Almost Home because it’s a nonprofit, no-kill shelter. If they take on an animal, they keep it until it’s adopted out, however long that may be.

We went to the event at Premier Pet Supply in Southfield. The Almost Home people were just setting up. Debbie, the point person for Almost Home, started telling us about a 2-year-old terrier that had spent her life tied to a tree in someone’s backyard. Right then, one of her volunteers brought in Stella.

Stella weighs all of 10.8 pounds and her ribs show. Debbie asked Suzy if she wanted to hold Stella, and that was it. We passed Stella back and forth. Once, when I was holding her, Suzy disappeared and came back with a green plaid fleece sweater for Stella, who was shivering.

Clearly, it wasn't long before we were home and introducing Stella to our two cats, Nikita and Sophia, and Bella.

Our first job is to straighten out Stella’s diet and fatten her up some. We also have to figure out the hierarchy for sleeping at night. Stella piled into our bed with everyone else, crawled under the covers and stayed there pretty much for the evening.

I would recommend the Almost Home shelter if you’re looking for a friend. You can contact them at
(248) 200-2695.